One Last Job

The logistical process to get you to university took two years. The emotional journey to get you from child to adult took 18.

The analogies to describe this final period run fast and furious. There were times when it felt like you were inside a pinball machine, colliding off flippers, bouncing from one state to the other: 

man, child, child, child, man, man, child.

Sometimes I watched in pride as you navigated adulthood with confidence, like a captain steering his tanker, slowly but accurately, moving tentatively to the shore. But then you would run aground and I threw on my size 4 mum boots, stomping all over your independence to get the job done.

In the end, it was a joint effort to push you over the finish line. We did it. Together, we opened the door to your new world, slowly unpacking your old life and mashing it in with the new. As your nervousness dissipated, your smile grew and Version 2.0 appeared.

There was one last drama. Of course, there was going to be one last drama. The mum blanket  unfolded and I wrapped you back inside, just before you hit the ground. And as I held you in my arms, each pain I had ever helped heal, each sleepless night I had rocked you through, each frustration reassured, these moments all flooded back. I looked down and remembered staring into your crib that very first night. I marveled with both abject fear and utter joy at the tiny wonder that I had brought into the world. My mind ran wild with thoughts, dreams and aspirations, all to be discovered. And I looked again that night, 18 years later, and wondered who this beautiful young man was going to become.

That morning, I turned to say goodbye and every sinew in my body wept with the selfish sadness of letting you go. But I knew deep down my heart was bursting with pride.

I waved farewell to my child and the adult waved back.

For now, I will watch and cheer from the sidelines. I will glory in your successes and I will share your disappointments. 

And I accept I am no longer the head coach. 

I am simply a fan in the stands.